Saturday, May 19, 2007

How to be a socialite in the UK - the wrong way

I recently went on a website called socialite society, and saw a post on how to be a socialite. Its a little off topic, but if your travelling to the UK, here is some tips from Soaphead. Its not my style of making someone a socialite, or helping them to have an outstanding reputation, and keep in mind I have more ethics and honesty than this kind of dodgy trickery and deciet.

So, You Wanna Be Famous?

You want to be famous? Then follow Soaphead’s 10 most trusted way to become rich and famous - or at least one of them! Scandal, private clubs, blackmail, stripping off, it's all here.

1) The Slapper Route
Much favoured by partners of the already rich and famous. An exception is Rebecca Loos who just happened to work for someone famous (David and Vikki Beckham) and managed to nudge in their spotlight.

Pointers here are that you have racy stories to sell to the tabloids and are prepared to get your puppies out for ‘lads mags’ and the red tops. Unfortunately there isn’t much demand for gay men to strip off for The Sun and The Star, so this could be a limited career path - unless that is you’ve bedded a celebrity who is 1) meant to straight as a plank, 2) married or 3) Cliff Richard.

2) Get Yourself an Agent
If you have no discernible talent, i.e. acting, musical, writing or presentation skills then it’s important you choose an agent who is used to dealing with nonentities. Big Brother and Reality TV contestants have all needed representation to get them into Z list premieres and parties. To find the most likely agent, simply call up the producers / production company of the Realty TV shows, pretend you’re the press and they’ll give you the name of the contestants’ PR. You can be assured the latter has no reputation or kudos whatsoever.

3) Be Your own Agent
Only if the above route doesn’t work. Make up a letter head, a logo, call yourself something like Ed Stone or Patsy Mangle and learn how to disguise your voice. A little method acting helps create the ‘character’ so think of dressing up for the occasion. A spangly top and loads of bling, bling, or perhaps a twin set and pearls outfit complete with beehive and butterfly specs? Remember who you really are as this kind of scamming is prone to occasional bouts of identity crisis. Look at Gerri Halliwell. Ah bless!

4) Sell A Scandal
If you’ve slept with someone famous who really shouldn’t have been doing so (Ms Loos again!) this could be a ticket to those premiere parties and a chance to appear on Hell’s Kitchen 2. Success is measured by the how famous your ‘bonk’ partner was. Then again it doesn’t take hanky panky with Tom Cruise to guarantee column inches and the chance to get your mug on the box. Think Abi Titmuss. Now there’s a girl who realised that just being the ex paramour of John Leslie may not open doors after the day’s headlines had turned into tomorrow’s chip paper. Abi very cannily used configurations 1 & 2 to acquire TV profile. Although presenting a tacky soft-porn channel isn’t the best route to host Good Morning. Honestly Abi, didn’t being with Johnny teach you anything?

5) Cupid Stunts
It’s important that a TV camera or tabloid snapper is recording your dangerous or illegal stunt. It’s no good dressing up as Batman, standing dangerously on a crane and declaring your political concerns to the world if only the Community Channel is filming you. Take a tip from Fathers 4 Justice - now they know how to pull tricks that will get them national news. However, appearing as an ugly, cross-dressing Bin Laden and trying to get into a Royal Palace may result in getting your head blown off rather than a 2 min profile on London Tonight.

6) Become a Socialite
You need money or lineage for this. If you have neither than hang around the watering holes of Hooray Henrys and Henriettas who appear in Harpers & Queen. Being rich, good looking and having aristocratic connections are not always a guarantee to celebritydom. Lady Vicki –I’ll turn up to the opening of a biscuit tin- Harvey, being a prime example. It’s no good just being rich and sounding like the cast of Howard’s End. Even the talentless must have charm. Ambassador for this restrictive route is Tara Palmer-Tomkinson who managed to turn coke fuelled angst into a lucrative career as the nation’s favourite posh totty.

7) Private Clubs
It’s essential that you worm your way into one of the many private members clubs relentlessly springing up in London. Soho being the best ‘liggers’ ground for those who want to meet the movers and shakers of Showbiz. If you’re too unimportant to be considered for membership - or simply can’t afford it - then you can always try blagging your way into Groucho’s by saying you are 1) Boy George’s best friend 2) Feng Shui & ‘life coach’ to Sadie Frost or 3) Vanessa’s liposuction nurse.

8) Blackmail
Bit dicey this one. May involve some inexpensive snooping devices and covert camera equipment. but a standard camcorder can work wonders for filming in those low light alcoves and zooming up to windows. Precious time can be spent scouting your ‘victim’ for any tale tell signs of marital affairs or insider dealings aka Martha Stewart.

Supplying big wigs with illicit substances then threatening to shop them may get you the odd presenter’s job on Cbeebies.

9) The Great Pretender
Fob everyone off with the line that you are the daughter, son, nephew, niece, whatever, of someone glitzy and famous who is preferably living out of the country. Better still, someone dead. One ‘cult’ entertainer was known to pretend that he was the ‘love child’ of Shirley Bassey. Even though they looked like a cross between Rusty Lee and Giant Haystacks! No, I’m sorry hun you didn’t fool anyone!!

10) Personal Services
Put an ad in the many ‘adult’ magazines advertising yourself as an SM Master / Dominatrix / Adult baby nurse etc and see who turns up at your pad. One successful poster, offering a make-over service for cross-dressers, attracted a multitude of well heeled and VIP types. Plus the occasional Judge. Once you have a few snaps or illicitly recorded footage of a multimillionaire octogenarian wearing suspenders and a strawberry blonde, they’ll be more than happy to fund your budding Showbiz career.

Good luck and break a leg!

By: Soaphead from

Find out more about the Author of this blog at his website Rob Tencer pr.

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